Prayer from the Heart

Jesus, I want to know Your Truth AND live it. Jesus, I’m so easily distracted, so easily jostled, startled, untethered. Jesus, I worry about so many things.
Jesus, I want to pray. I want my words to be deliberate and heart-felt. I want to say what my heart feels and listen  intently and hear Your Words to me in my heart, with no doubt, no second guessing. I want to be focused and consumed by You and undistracted, unswayed.
I want to know You, bathe in Your Love, directed by Your Priorities and I want to receive Your Love and Your intentions for me, correctly, fully, purely.
I want to brim over with the fire of your Love, uncontained, unfettered, unlimited, unconstrained so that I can only reflect Your Love, enthusiastically and untarnished by human limitations.
I want to see and think clearly, without muddying Your message to me, and to those around me.
I want to use the creative gifts You have given me to serve You and draw closer to You and to lead others to pursue You as You desire. I want to fulfil my vocation to the best of my abilities, recognizing but not giving in to my failings, offering up the little chores, the monotony and the little annoyances, frustrations and worries, surrendering my will and my lack of control, my pride for Your Greater Glory.
I want to pray. I want to express the yearning of my heart, to remain undistracted but focused on You. I want to connect with You, feeling Your unconditional Love, a love that is impossible for humans, only possible for God, loving me as if I was the only human, loving me incessantly despite my faults and failings, loving me without hesitation or requirements, expectations or conditions. Loving me because You have made me worthy through Your Suffering, for me, when no one except You could have even known I would exist.
Jesus, I don’t want to get distracted by the meaningless details. I don’t want to be preoccupied with menial concerns.
I want to pray, giving Glory to You, recognizing my weakness…and my only strength in You, through You, by You.
I want to cleanse the corners of my soul, I want to be open to Your Will ever trusting that You will only expect of me, ask of me, what I can truly handle. That You know what’s best for me, You only want what is best for me and for my salvation.
I want to be a good wife, mother, daughter, friend. Jesus, I love You. I’m a afraid to be put to the test, because I know How weak I am. I know. I’m scared Jesus because I don’t expect that I can measure up. I know I don’t deserve Your Love. I’m as flaky as anyone. I’m selfish. I’m weak. I’m distracted and overwhelmed. I worry. I don’t trust. I need You. I need  constant reminders to pray, to focus, to offer up my will for Yours, to ask, to beg for Your pardon, Your Mercy and Your Help for every breath, every step, every worry.
Jesus, I choose to trust in You but I need constant reminders to recommit.
To trust. To serve, to surrender my pride, my attempt to control. Jesus, I love You.
Let me feel Your Love.

Because I long for a

flat on my face,

I surrender,

you are Mine,

ugly cry

come to Jesus

prayer

that heals me in an instant, evaporates my insecurity and fears, quiets the voices with way too much clout and explodes in my heart a huge amount of confidence in God’s Love for me..so much that it barely fits and changes me forever.

Noticeably.

Turns my ears inside out and pins my tongue to the roof of my gaping mouth.

Yeah, just that.

Jesus

Because it turns out that all the insecurity, second guessing, nagging, self-crushing critical voices in my head, regrets and haunting failures are just rubbish.

Unnecessary.

A crying shame gathered together and intertwined in an ugly mess.

They can be tossed off the flying deck, dead weight no longer hindering the full speed ahead to Your ferocious Embrace.

To freedom. To peace. To bold confidence in the Father’s Love.

Bridge jumping

I want a monumental focus change, away from me and high definition on You, Your Goodness, Your Majesty and Power,

Your unstoppable Sacrifice which is MY saving Grace.

I am good, because You made me that way.

I love…because You first loved me.

I can’t earn or lose Your Love no matter what I do or don’t do.

If I could just stop looking down and keep looking up; His love for me is more a reflection of His Goodness and His Perfect Love than anything I can accomplish. That doesn’t undermine my value…it underlines it.

God knows I’m weak and He’s not looking for me to confess my weakness, but rather He wants me to recognize it and unite my feeble attempts to His Sacrifice, infusing my efforts with His Saving power, realizing His Presence inside of me.

Remembering that I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. (Phil 4:13) For His Glory, not my pride.

Lord, speak to my heart, stop me from second guessing, help me to be confident in Your Plan, Your Provision, and first and foremost, Your Love for me. Amen.

after a run Pondering in my heart at Equipping Catholic Families